Intro.
A. I like to watch children. Some quiet, most active. Manipulate others smiles, fits, etc.
B. Also like to observe parents, especially when children are disobeying. I’ve been there!
C. Some permissive, others authoritarian
1. Permissive – excessively tolerant, quickly gives in, concedes
2. Authoritarian – very strict, rigorous, dogmatic, harsh punishment
D. Want us to talk about authoritarian parents, permissive parents in light of the Bible during the1st half of sermon
1. Then I want us to make applications for local churches – Second half of lesson.
I. Authoritarian parents
A. Qualities
1. Criticize every little problem – Little things are big deals to authoritarian parents
a. Example – spill drink – Parent explodes, you clumsy fool! Why don’t you watch what you’re doing?
b. If the child moves a muscle, Pow! They slap them, maybe on the face
c. The children have to be little statues
2. A ton of picky little rules that govern every conceivable aspect of the child’s life – micro-management
3. Excessive punishment
a. Children hit with sticks, large belts with all the force the parent can bring to bear.
4. Negativity, pessimism
a. "You’re not going to amount to anything!" "You stupid idiot!" "Dummy!"
B. Results
1. Produce two types of children
a. Fearful children with little confidence
i. Like a whipped dog, easily spooked, flees every little challenge.
b. Resentful children who hate their parents. – May be violent
2. Children that avoid their parents when they are adults
a. To think of parents is to think of pain, unpleasantness. Burned dog doesn’t return to the fire.
3. Adults that have a hard time conceiving a of a loving God.
a. We tend to look at God as we look at our parents.
b. Children raised this way tend to look at God as being severe and arbitrary.
C. Bible texts
1. Ef. 6:4 "Fathers provoke not your children to wrath."
2. Col. 3:21 "Fathers do not exasperate your children, so they they will not lose heart."
a. NIV – "do not embitter,"
3. Qualities of love exclude arbitrary approach – 1 Cor. 13:4-7
a. patient (vs. 4) c. is not provoked (not easily irritated)
b. kind (vs.4 ) (not threatening)
c. Suffers all thing (endures all things)
4. These texts condemn the harsh, authoritative parent
II. Permissive parents
A. Qualities
1. Don’t correct rebellion
a. Lady in airport with "little monster" – told him to come to her
i. She commanded him, threatened him, begged him, cried and then ignored him.
b. Children tell their parents "no" to defy them. Nothing happens
c. Hit others, hit their parents, nothing happens
2. Few or no rules. The ones that are made aren’t enforced. The kids are in charge, do what they want.
3. They defend their rebellious children – Like Mrs. Olson in "Little House on the Prarie."
a. They’re – tired, have too much sugar, the other kids fault, nobody likes him, etc.
B. Results when parents are permissive.
1. Children that are takers, selfish, think world revolves around them. Problems even worse when grow up!
a. Have difficulty finding job. Don’t want to wake up.
b. Life is play and sleep. Anything else they’re going to have a hard time.
2. Children that have little or no respect for others...
a. For their parents – See their parents as weak, easy to manipulate – They are!
b. For their spouses – They’re in the taker mode – many fights in marriage, divorce.
c. For God – Tend to see God as they see parents. See God as someone who doesn’t care about sin, rebellion, will let them get by.
C. The Bible warns against permissiveness with children.
1. 1 Sam. 3:13 NAS – God told Samuel about Eli, "I am about to judge him and his house for the iniquity he knew which he knew, because his sons brought a curse on themselves and he did not rebuke them."
a. KJV – "restrained them not"
2. Prov. 13:24, 22:15; 29:15
D. Children do whatever they can to avoid punishment for their disobedience
1. "Everybody else’s fault"
2. "I’m no longer a member of this family."
3. Wise parents try to help them anyway. Sometimes that help involves punishment.
E. Summary – Both authoritarian and permissive parents do much damage.
F. Is that the only option?
1. Authoritarian and permissive parents think so. Point out excesses of the other to justify self
a. I’m not going to be like that harsh father
b. I’m not going to pussyfoot around with my kids like that permissive father.
2. Both are wrong – THERE IS ANOTHER OPTION
III. Firm but loving
A. Shows a lot of love and affection
1. 1 Thess. 2:7 Paul said he was gentle a "nursing mother tenderly cares for her own children."
2. Lots of hugs, kisses, time together
B. Firmness
1. To be happy, children need to learn that disobedience carries unhappy consequences
a. When in bad mood, need punishment. Then happy. If don’t punish, stay unhappy.
2. Don’t tolerate rebellion - the defiant "no", ignoring order, etc.
C. Balance between affection and firmness requires much prayer. Hard to be consistent
D. It’s being like God
1. God is love
2. God’s love doesn’t allow him to tolerate rebellion. It hurts us too much.
E. If you feel you tend towards one extreme, lean towards the other
Transition statement -
A. In thinking about permissive parents and authoritarian parents, I thought of the way that we see the same thing in the family of God.
B. We’re a family!
C. In the family, we have the responsibility to help those who are dealing with spiritual challenges
D. Galatians 6:1 - read
1. This is a solemn responsibility for every Christian – Man, woman, bond free, Jew, Gentile
E. When it comes to applying this responsibility, see same contrasts
1. Some brethren authoritative
2. Others – permissive
IV. Authoritative Christians
A. Qualities
1. Notice every little problem, however picky it is. Every little thing bothers them
2. Want strong and immediate punishment for every thing they see that they don’t like.
a. How deal with this? "Discipline them!"
3. Quick to use strong language – "Going to hell," "Full of iniquity"
a. Sometimes true, but authoritative Christians constantly use this language about brethren
4. Pessimistic – They’re a bunch of liberals, all in apostasy, no one loves God,
B. Results in church when authoritative Christians are in control.
1. New and weaker Christians quickly discouraged. Filled with pessimism
2. They chase sincere, growing brethren from the church – Like Diotrephes (3 John)
3. They Divide churches
4. Don’t follow Christ’s example –
C. Bible texts – One is sufficient - Col. 3:12-14
V. Permissive Christians
A. Bible examples
1. 1 Corinthians 5:1,2
2. Rev. 2:14- church in Pergamos tolerated those with teaching of Nicolaitans
3. Rev.2:20 Thyatira tolerated Jezabel.
B. Permissiveness in facing church problems is a temptation today
1. Correction, the right medicine requires effort – with children, with brethren
2. Medicine requires conflict – I remember not wanting medicine as a child.
a. Brethren with spiritual problems don’t want medicine – we know they’ll kick up their heels
3. Easy course just to relax, let it go. Peace, tranquility, no ruffled feathers
C. But...
1. Church fills up with those with rotten attitudes, indifference, worldliness
2. A little leaven leavens the whole lump "1 Corinthians 5:6"
D. Excuses
1. "I’m not getting involved"
a. If a personal matter that doesn’t affect the church, careful
b. But if it is a close brother, of if it affects the church, this is a cop out.
c. 1 Cor. 12 – We’re all in one body. If one part suffers, all suffer!
2. "I can’t correct others, I have my own faults."
a. Was Galatians 6:1 written to flawless people?
b. Dr. Spiera has arthritis, but he helps Beverly
3. "I want to show them love."
a. Love for children, requires that we help them when they have problems. (Prov. 13:24)
b. Love means we cannot be indifferent or quiet when our brother is having a spiritual crisis.
c. God loves all, but He doesn’t accept all.
d. If we are like God we must do the same.
E. If we aren’t careful we can become spiritual enablers
1. A term used in reference to alcoholics, drug addicts.
2. Addicts don’t want to change! Requires difficult steps, leaving drug, harsh rehabilitation, leaving work, family.
a. Want to blame others for their problems, their situation,
b. Minimize their problem (famous denial)
3. They can always find allies in their denial
a. Parents – Don’t want to admit that their son or daughter has a problem (means shame)
b. Spouses – don’t want shame, don’t want rehabilitation necessary, problems expenses
c. So, they join in with addict in their denial –They are called "codependents," "enablers"
d. Codependents and enablers also become angry at those trying to help them open eyes.
i. The accuse those with high standards of "Not forgiving," " being judgmental."
ii. The truth is, those willing to point out in love that there is a problem are ones that love them the
most.
F. That’s the way it is with every sin and spiritual problem
1. Satan wants us to be in denial.
a. "Problems are someone else’s fault"
b. "Everybody’s just against me."
2. We can always find enablers for us in our sin
a. People that want to avoid conflict at any cost
b. We can get them to join in with us in being angry at those trying to get us to face our sin, open our
eyes.
G. I don’t want to be a spiritual enabler. I don’t think anyone here does.
WE’VE TALKED ABOUT SPIRITUAL AUTHORITARIANS, AND SPIRITUAL ENABLERS
Those the only two possibilities?
H. One more possibility -- FIRM AND LOVING – Want us to describe the firm and loving in contrast to the Authoritarians and Enablers with the following table
|
Authoritarians
|
Loving and Firm
|
Enablers
|
| Looks for faults |
Observes w/love |
"I see nothing" |
| Strong words |
Loving, Diplomatic Words |
"Don’t say anything!" |
| Constant complaints |
Chooses battles |
"It’s your problem! |
| Chases off honest people |
Saves the honest, the hardened leave |
Enables sin |
Concl.
A. May God help us to have that balance – to be loving yet firm
1. Not easy. We have to pray, talk with others about when and how to approach others.
B. If we tend to be authoritarian – need to lean towards the other way – not let every little thing upset us.
C. If we tend towards the enabling side. Firm ourselves up
1. I tend towards that, need to force myself to be stronger! Beverly helps me!
D. Worth the effort – James 5:19, 20
E. Heaven is the goal. Are you going?
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